


Love Is Gone

by sasayuri



Category: Girugamesh (band)
Genre: BFF!Ryo/Satoshi, Friendship/Love, M/M, Post-breakup, Slice of Life
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-01-16
Updated: 2015-01-16
Packaged: 2018-03-07 20:27:53
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,052
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3182051
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sasayuri/pseuds/sasayuri
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>I wrote this several months ago while listening to Dommin's album Love Is Gone, hence the title. Their music plus the infamous picture of Ryo and Julian kissing plus my undying love for BFF!Ryo/Satoshi had me come up with this story.</p>
<p>English is not my native language, so please bear with me. :)</p>
    </blockquote>





	Love Is Gone

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this several months ago while listening to Dommin's album Love Is Gone, hence the title. Their music plus the infamous picture of Ryo and Julian kissing plus my undying love for BFF!Ryo/Satoshi had me come up with this story.
> 
> English is not my native language, so please bear with me. :)

Ryo locked the door behind himself and dropped his inconspicuous bag filled with drumsticks on the carpeted floor. The clacking noise made it obvious that inside were many smaller pieces of wood clinking together. Why had he bothered to bring a bunch of broken sticks home, again? He stood still for a moment and let out a small puff of air. Ryo didn’t need to call out his name, didn’t need to check every room of his humble apartment to know he wasn’t there anymore. Gone for good.

He went to the kitchen realizing it wouldn’t smell like coffee today. Feeling at loss for a moment he sat down at the cheap wooden table and looked around the room. Weird. Everything looked exactly like he had left it this morning. Nothing had been taken from the fruit bowl, no cups or drinking glasses stood on the counter top or in the sink, there was no note telling him not to stay up waiting because _I might come home late tonight. Don’t be mad, hon. Love ya._

Some people would have described the moment of actual realization he had then as the loneliest they had ever felt, but for him, that wasn’t quite it. He wondered why he seemed – almost used to it. Had he really already felt so lonely even when Julian and he had still been together? Ryo swallowed hard, determinedly shook his head and got up. He hissed out curses at the lump that was growing in his throat through his clenched teeth as he jerked the door of the fridge open. Nothing really seemed to appeal to his appetite but he hadn’t actually expected anything else.

No, that wasn’t it. Julian hadn’t made him feel lonely. He’d made him feel warm and fuzzy inside. Loved. And actually worth being loved. Those past few weeks though… Ryo shut the fridge door with a lot more force than necessary. Jesus, no. He wouldn’t allow himself to have a total breakdown now. Wiping away the tears that were threatening to escape his eyes he stepped into the living room and lethargically made his way over to the orange sofa. He stretched out on his back and pressed both his palms to his face. He took in as much as air as his lungs could take and slowly breathed it all out again. It was going to be okay. Julian’s departure hadn’t been a total surprise, after all. It had just come a little sooner than he would have expected.

Ryo shot up into a sitting position because his supply of oxygen was all of a sudden severely lacking. Godfuckingdammit. When had he started sobbing like that?

He needed a while until he had calmed down enough to breathe regularly again. It wasn’t fair. It wasn’t supposed hurt so much. Breakups had never been hard on him. Why should that change now? He cringed when his phone started vibrating persistently in the pocket of his jeans. It took him a few seconds to get it out, his heart beating fast from the little fright. Squinting his eyes at the screen he quickly made out the three characters and tiredly threw the device onto the coffee table. There was no way in hell he would talk to his brother now. Whatever it was that he wanted from him could wait.

The phone stopped ringing, eventually, and Ryo silently thanked God for the fact that Nii wasn’t one to call again after five or ten minutes. He stared at his cramped, shaking hands that were resting in his lap. Practice had been long and exhausting today and he hadn’t eaten even nearly enough to compensate for all the calories he had burned. He hadn’t felt like eating when the other three had gone out for ramen and stayed in their homey little practice room under the pretense of having to fix something about his hi-hat stand. Maybe he had already had some kind of premonition? One way or another, he’d just ended up practicing some intense and very tiring rhythms that he’d been trying to master for a while.

He was glad, somehow, that he hadn’t eaten a lot because he felt like he might have just thrown up in his emotional turmoil if his stomach had been filled with anything. Ryo groaned and got up on his feet which resulted in him standing around aimlessly for a moment. He looked at the bedroom door as if Julian could appear in the frame any moment, sleepy after a late afternoon nap, the hint of a blush appearing on his cheeks because Ryo had caught him in that supposedly unsightly state. He didn’t appear, of course, and he wouldn’t ever again because something between them had slowly started to fall into tiny bits and pieces somewhere along the way.

Ryo felt helpless. There was nothing he could do about this development and even if he got the chance to go back in time he wouldn’t know how far he needed to go back and what had to be changed, mended, fixed. He wouldn’t start to let himself think about what it would be like to have him back for even so much as a second. There was no good in living in the past. And he knew he would hardly be able to stop missing him, or rather the distorted idea of him that would ultimately be stuck in his head.

He didn’t really notice his eyes had fixated on his pone until he gradually came back from his hazy thoughts. He grabbed it almost out of some kind of reflex and speed-dialed the only person he would be comfortable talking to at the moment.

“Ryo?”

“Hmm. You home?”

“Yeah.”

“I’ll be over in half an hour.”

There was a short silence on the other end of the line but his friend knew better than to ask questions that couldn’t be easily answered in a rush.

“Sure. I’ll be waiting.”

The corners of Ryo’s mouth went up in a weak half-smile. “Thank you.”

He hung up and shoved the phone into the front pocket of his black jeans, relieved to know that he would have someone to talk to, someone to keep him company. It was a mystery to him how he deserved friends who were always there for him when he needed them like that. Hell, sometimes he himself didn’t even know he needed them until they suddenly knocked on his front door carrying a six-pack and a box of pizza, invited themselves in and comforted him in the most unobtrusive way. Ryo made a short detour to the bathroom on his way out. Repeatedly splashing cold water in his face helped him feel more clear-headed. He looked up into the mirror and pulled a face at his own reflection. At least he hadn’t bothered to put on eyeliner that morning, that would have caused some serious damage what with all the tears and everything. He quickly dried his face off and ran a hand through his black hair (which was a total mess, but he really didn’t care right then). Spotting his favorite band shirt on the clothesline that had been clumsily put up right when he had moved in he decided to exchange his sleeveless top for it. The latter was all soaked with sweat from practice, so it really seemed like a rather good idea.

Being a listen-to-music-whenever-it’s-possible kind of person he felt weird leaving the building without his MP3 player but he knew himself well enough to know that, in his current situation, he would do nothing but skip one song after another until he had reached his destination which was only four subway stations from his home anyway.

He took the elevator to get to the seventh floor although he would have taken the stairs on most other days. Someone had just come down, so he didn’t even need to wait. Good. He stepped inside and punched the right button. Going up didn’t take long. The housing blocks in this area of the city were fairly modern as opposed to the old building he lived in, and so was the technology inside. When the ominous metallic door opened after what felt like less than ten seconds to him Ryo immediately caught sight of Satoshi waiting in the doorframe. The singer made way for him to enter the apartment without further ado and only greeted him when he had closed the door to the hallway.

“Hey,” he said softly, watching the shorter man as he took off his shoes and sweater.

“Hey,” Ryo replied. And seldom had he sounded more miserable in his own ears.

“Living room, kitchen, balcony?”

The drummer opted for the living room and so they went to sit down on the only piece of furniture that didn’t fit in with the rest: a very worn out but very comfortable light blue sofa. Satoshi’s apartment was exceptionally neat. Everything looked new and shiny and clean enough to eat off anytime. The posters that hung on the white walls were all framed and the various pieces of furniture were arranged in a way that made every room look perfectly orderly and still allowed it to have a very individual, homey feel to it. Ryo liked it a lot.

When he looked at Satoshi the latter opened his arms wide and gave him an encouraging smile. Ryo took the offer and snuggled up to him, enjoying the warmth of his embrace.

“Julian left,” he said after a while, barely audible but loud enough for Satoshi to hear. The singer rested his chin on Ryo’s head and began stroking his arm absentmindedly.

“Is that why you didn’t eat with us today?”

“I didn’t know then,” Ryo admitted.

“Oh.”

Ryo breathed in deeply and closed his eyes. He let his mind go blank for a while. For some reason his brain registered that Satoshi smelled like shampoo and lotion. He had probably taken a shower just before Ryo had arrived. Had his hair been wet when he’d let him in? Ryo couldn’t remember. Just then he felt a drop of water fall onto the bare skin of his neck and an involuntary chuckle escaped his lips.

“You’re dripping,” he accused Satoshi, not bothering to open his eyes.

“Sorry, baby. Want me to dry my hair?”

“No,” Ryo answered quick as a shot. “You’re comfortable. Don’t you dare move.” Reconsidering his words he added: “Except your arms maybe. The stroking thing feels nice.”

He could clearly hear the smile in Satoshi’s voice as he hummed lowly in agreement – or should he say obedience?

“Hey!” Satoshi suddenly exclaimed, suspiciously excited. “You wanna get a haircut?”

Ryo opened his eyes and skeptically looked up at the singer. “Why?”

The older one shrugged, earning a disapproving growl from Ryo. “Sorry. Uh, I don’t know. I just read somewhere that many women get a haircut after a breakup. Apparently it makes them happy? I just thought maybe it works for men too.”

The drummer’s face darkened at the word breakup but he quickly covered it up by cocking an eyebrow at his friend. “Where the hell did you read stuff like that again?”

“I was at the store with Shuu and he was taking really long so I flipped through a few magazines.”

“Women’s magazines.”

“You’re totally missing the point here!” Satoshi complained in exasperation.

Ryo chuckled lightly and then yelped when he was unexpectedly grabbed by the shoulders and put into an upright sitting position. He glared at Satoshi for that sneaky maneuver and crossed his arms across his chest, telling the other with his eyes that he would very much like to see him dead in moments like that.

He groaned when the singer pressed one hand on each of his cheeks, looking at him with a bright enough expression to make Ryo worry. He knew this look. Satoshi had an idea that he thought was brilliant but most probably, according to everyone else – Ryo, in this case – wasn’t.

“We should totally bleach your hair!”

Ryo stared at him in disbelief. “Excuse you?”

“You would look incredibly cute as a blond! Don’t you think?” Satoshi wasn’t far from squealing by now and Ryo could almost see the chance of convincing him otherwise vanishing in the distance.

“Oh, my God, no! Can we please just go back to cuddling and not having this conversation?”

Satoshi didn’t hear him, or didn’t want to. He put on a thoughtful face and tapped his index finger against his chin. “I think… yes. I should still have everything we need here.”

Ryo gaped at the blackhead in front of him. Jesus Christ, no. “Why?”

“Ah, you know, Masato came over the other day and he really wanted to change his hair back from black to blond so I helped him.”

“Masato?”

“Yeah, Hazuki’s not-yet-boyfriend. But they’re really almost there, if you ask me.”

“And Hazuki’s the guy Hiroshi doesn’t like, right?”

Satoshi seemed somewhat surprised at that description, but he too knew it was the truth, even though he liked to forget about it sometimes.

“Yep, that’s him.”

“Okay, yeah, but no. I like my black hair.”

“So did Julian.” Satoshi’s eyes widened and he quickly clasped a hand over his mouth.

Ryo’s stare turned ice-cold. “I can’t believe you just pulled that card,” he hissed through grit teeth.

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I am so, so sorry!”

Satoshi pulled him into a bone-crushing hug, rocking the both of them back and forth all but maniacally. “I don’t deserve to be your friend! I’m such a terrible friend! Do you want to kick me out of the band? Kick me out of the band! I deserve it! God, I really didn’t mean to say something like that! Please don’t hate me?”

Ryo scoffed. He didn’t return the hug but he didn’t try to escape the cage of Satoshi’s arms either. “I hate you,” he said determined to stay mad for a little while.

The singer whimpered softly. “You’re right.” He sighed dramatically. “People like me should be hated by their adorable drummer friends.”

“Adorable?”

“Yes! Adorable, cute, in every way wonderful drummer friends who definitely deserve to be served their favorite food by unworthy people like me.”

“Food, huh?” Ryo decided to show a little more interest at that and slightly tilted his head. “And when would those adorable, cute, in every way wonderful drummers be served their favorite dish?”

“In uh, twenty-five minutes?”

“Hmm, I see. And I am right in believing that said food would be home-cooked?”

“Of course!” Ryo nodded in approval. “Fine.” He looked at Satoshi expectantly. “Well, what are you still doing here then? Off to the kitchen! The clock’s ticking!”

Satoshi gasped and jumped up in haste, almost taking Ryo down with him as he slipped on the wooden floor in the process. The drummer couldn’t refrain himself from grinning mischievously while he watched Satoshi spurt to the kitchen after getting up again without any kind of complaint. Served him right.

For a while Ryo was content just listening to the sounds of Satoshi pottering away in the kitchen but at some point his thoughts started drifting away. He thought of his empty apartment and wondered if it would be weird coming home to it for a while. It hadn’t exactly been Julian’s permanent address but he’d spent every night there since forever, with few exceptions. If he had actually moved in with Ryo it wouldn’t have made much of a difference.

Ryo usually didn’t like having people over at his place. It made him feel weirdly vulnerable to have them see the details of the way he lived. Even if he invited someone, he still often felt like they were in a way intruding his personal space. He didn’t feel that way with his best friends, but he still preferred to hang out at their places. Strangely, having Julian around had never bothered him in the least, not even when he’d visited for the first time. He had been somewhat nervous, yes, although that feeling had certainly derived from an entirely different set of emotions.

He was startled out of his memories when Satoshi’s head appeared in the doorframe.

“Want me to put on some music?”

Ryo shrugged, fidgeting around with his fingers. “I don’t… I don’t really feel like listening to music.” He looked up at Satoshi and watched his eyes turn soft.

“That bad, huh?” he said silently as if not wanting to frighten Ryo.

“Not bad, just…” He quickly gave up on trying to find a more fitting word to describe his current emotional situation and sighed deeply. “I don’t know, Satoshi, it’s just very different from what I’m used to. I can’t even be angry at him and I don’t think I want to be.”

Satoshi was possibly the only person he knew who immediately understood what to make of that piece of information. He’d seen Ryo after his previous two breakups and therefore knew he usually dealt with that kind of situation by spending one whole night drinking and all the while spilling angry tears and scornfully cursing his past love. For some reason or another he always ended up feeling okay about the separation after that. Only this time it wasn’t the same at all and he didn’t know how to deal with this absence of anger.

“Oh, baby.” Satoshi rushed over to the sofa and pulled Ryo into another one of his warm hugs. “I really need to get back to that hot stove but food’s gonna be ready in ten minutes and you can stuff your cute little face with all those calories then and after that we still have all night and longer to talk and cuddle and maybe eat some more, if you want.”

Ryo let out something between a sob and a laugh. “Sorry, bad time for an emotional outburst.”

Satoshi looked him sternly in the eyes. “No. There is no such thing as a bad time for emotions in Satoshi’s Kingdom.” He quickly placed a kiss on the top of Ryo’s head and ruffled his hair, pleased to see a grin spread on the drummer’s face.

“You mean your flat?”

“Kingdom!” Satoshi shouted, already on his way back to the kitchen.


End file.
